16 Vaxed Runners Collapse in One Race & It’s Not Weird at All Because Shut Up

The Brooklyn Half Marathon of 2022 took place on Saturday, May 21st. There are a couple of requirements that you have to fulfill if you want to participate in the Brooklyn Half Marathon. In order to compete in the 13.1-mile race, you must be in peak physical condition. That’s the first condition. The second, relatively newer condition, is that you must be fully vaccinated against COVID-19 in order to run the race.

They set a new record this year! A grand total of 16 runners in peak physical condition collapsed during the race, and another one of them died. If you’re wondering why so many of them collapsed, we now have the answer: Global warming!

Runners who participate in the “Brooklyn Half” must stick to a very rigorous pace in order to compete. Very fast runners in the New York Road Runners (NYRR) run in stages next to the marathoners and set various paces that they must keep up with to stay in the race. I’m assuming you get booted if you don’t keep up with at least the slowest pace. The fastest runners have to complete the race in 90 minutes or less. The slowest runners allowed to complete the race have to do so within 3 hours. Or as I like to think of it, twice as fast as I can run. 22,000 runners participated last Saturday.

30-year-old David Reichman did not finish the race. He died from a cardiac arrest.

16 other runners were hospitalized during the race. Five of the runners had “serious injuries,” eight of them had “non-life-threatening injuries,” and the rest had “minor injuries.” You know – minor injuries that require hospitalization.

 

Due to the rigorous requirements to even enter the Brooklyn Half Marathon, the last time that they had a runner die was in 2014. The last time that they had 16 runners total collapse and have to go to the hospital was… never. It’s never happened before.

Not to worry, though. Health officials are totally on top of the problem, and they were immediately able to declare the reason why 16 people collapsed and one died. It was hot outside.

The morning of the Brooklyn Half Marathon, it was 70 degrees outside. Probably because of all that global warming that we’re always hearing about. If only more of us uppity Americans would start driving $150,000 electric cars, it wouldn’t be 70 degrees outside at the Brooklyn Half Marathon and we wouldn’t have record numbers of runners collapsing in the race.

Because that’s totally what happens when you run outside in 70-degree weather. They might as well call it “heart attack weather” when it gets that hot outside. In fact, that’s so hot that you might be better off just resting in the shade instead of doing anything else outdoors. Be sure to put on extra layers of sunscreen and stay hydrated.

Obviously, I’m being sarcastic and we all know what really happened here.

These people didn’t collapse because it was hot outside. They collapsed because they exerted themselves after they allowed doctors to inject them with the experimental COVID-19 mRNA shots.

Let’s check these numbers out a little more.

If you are a runner who is healthy enough to qualify for the Brooklyn Half Marathon, you have about a 0.0% chance of dying from the ‘rona. That’s if you’re unvaccinated. Even in a worst-case scenario, it would probably only make you spend about three days getting some bed rest at home and taking cough syrup.

But once you’re vaccinated, you have a 1 in 22,000 chance of dying in the race from cardiac arrest, and about a 1 in 1,400 chance that you’re going to the hospital. And let’s not kid ourselves. Most or maybe all of the runners who were hospitalized won’t be running again anytime soon. They have heart injuries. Their lives are changed forever.

Maybe 1 in 1,400 doesn’t sound like such bad odds, but if you are the 1, it’s life changing. You will never be the same again.

We’re heading into Memorial Day Weekend and it’s going to be summer after that. It’s going to be hot outside. Much warmer than 70 degrees in a lot of places. Be careful out there in the heat, folks. Because… global warming.


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